Hidden treasure, were have you been?
I pass you daily but it’s a sin,
That I haven’t seen you for your beauty.
Morning air, flow through my hair.
Reveal the sights that are rare.
Wake my eyes and show them life.
All seeing eyes, capture the sunrise.
Etch the clouds into the sky.
Store the sketch for a rainy day.
cut my heart out and throw it to the wall
the juices mark the chipped paint
they are stained with my DNA
see the essentence of my being
heart lies on the floor beat for dear life
organs lacking existance
the heart starts to die as it
pulses to the rhythm of lost hope
pick it up in its time of need
the artaries, veins, and flesh
needing the comfort of a home
waiting for normality to strike
Shock errupts in the core of the heart
splitting it into two pieces
a half is not a whole. it’s broken
halved, cold, and all alone
Each step taken has a motive. A purpose. Where do you place your foot when there is no purpose? It’s like playing Twister with a plain white playing board. You spin the needle and it points to red, but white is not red. Confusion.
Long story short, I left the country to visit a friend. After the tickets where bought, I realized “this is the perfect time to find myself and throw some color back into my two-toned world”. Excitement fluttered in my stomach, but I didn’t show it because I don’t really know how. Hours of flying and the plane touches ground. “I’m here. Let’s do this!”
A 13 day trip turned into a 7 day trip. It was amazing to learn a different culture and experience the world for myself. Then why did I leave early? Comfort. I’ve been through a lot the past few years, and comfort is more than just a word to me. It’s a life style. I feel every ounce of stress that perches on my shoulders. What I could handle before, I can’t now. Nothing compares to feeling like a sinking ship. Once the water starts to leak in, the ship is done for. Anyways, the tension between the host and I was too much for me to handle. They didn’t understand that I’m the reflection they see in a funny mirror (same image but different ways of seeing it). We didn’t find the same things fun and certain things made me mad. I tried to show that “we are different”, but it took forever for them to see. Then I told the host the news of my changed flight, the mood swung. It was like nothing went wrong because they realized at that instant how valuable our time really was…but it was too late.
Guilt has written itself in my skin, but I know the scars will fade. Then why do I still feel this way? Why did the emptiness come back? The distraction of a new world is gone, so all I have left to see is reality. Which brings me back to the word purpose. Jet lag is wearing off but motivation to do things for myself is still absent. The happiness of the ones around me is more important than my own happiness. I’ve tried to bring back the smile I lost 3 years ago, but it’s easier said than done. When my smile disappeared, it took away a way of life and confidence. It ran for the hills and never looked back.
I hoped this journey would help me find a purpose. One to push me to stand back on my sore feet. One to enjoy what I once loved. Even rock climbing is just blah. I can’t remember the last time I actually had fun and smiled a genuine smile that ran to the dungeon of my soul. The world around me just moves with no excitement. So, my search for a purpose led me back to my parents house where I’m working, cleaning, and cooking. I’m a slave to the comfort this house embodies, but what I really want is to break free from this comfort dependence that I have. I’m comfortable on my own when I can do what I want, when I want. When I don’t have to rely on other people for simple tasks like driving to the store. I think the reason it was so hard for me abroad was because I’ve tasted the sweetness of independence (though no full scale). My comfort (or lack there of) hindered my journey. I guess my search continues for purpose…
**This was posted by one of my friends, Karina G. on her blog. I couldn’t say it any better and totally agree with what she says. Have a read!!**
If you find that your time with someone will be limited, you should make the most of that time and love that person to the best of your abilities. Even if that person is only meant to be in your life for a short period of time, it’s for a reason…and as long as both people agree to the arrangement, then parting words should be sweet, and there should only be tears of happiness. Because in the end, you can never make someone stay. Indeed, if that person is pursuing their passions or following their dreams, you don’t want them to stay - you want them to go and be happy. So as long as you love that person and give them your all while you’re together, there will be no sadness when they leave…only happy memories of the times you’ve shared and the love you gave to one another.
If you never meet again, it will be okay. When you think of that person it will only be fondly, and you’ll send happy energy out into the world to find them and wish them well. When you think of them, you’ll text them and say, “I was just thinking of you! Hope all is well!” with no intention of rekindling any flame or attempting to reestablish a connection. No, you’ll simply text them to remind them that no matter what kind of day they had, someone just thought about them…and sent happy thoughts their way.
Love is never bad.
It’s only bad when we try to tame it. When we try to package it into a neat little box and tie it with a bow. When we make it something the other person doesn’t agree on, or vice-versa. When we try to hold on to it at the expense of the other person’s happiness or well-being. When it’s not freely given, and we try to take it and make it ours.
Love is never bad…as long as there’s communication involved.
Understanding. Clarity.
So when that person walks out your door for the last time, you don’t shed a tear. You hug them, you kiss them, you wish them well. You cherish every moment spent with them and consider yourself lucky to have known such an amazing human being so intimately. If by some chance you meet again in the future, who knows what will happen. What I do know is that there will be no awkwardness, no animosity, no questions - just two old friends meeting once again.
Some people never allow themselves to get that close to someone. That is the real tragedy in the world - people so afraid of being hurt that they cannot let go and just love.
It’s taken me twenty-five years to figure this out…and I’m pretty sure I’m still clueless.
The most important thing is to be happy, and not hurt anyone along the way.
You’re going to encounter assholes. Once you know they’re an asshole, be done with them and move on. Don’t get upset with people who only want one thing - if you agree to those terms, it can be a fabulous time! Sometimes the people we sleep with can teach us as much as the person who holds us when we cry. Some people aren’t ready to settle down, others never will. As I said before, as long as there’s communication involved, everyone should be on the same page and no one will get hurt.
One day at a time…
…and as always, lots of love.
Thanks for reading
What did I don’t to deserve this vacation from hell? I can’t do anything right. If agree to do what she wants then I’ll not happy. If I choose to do what I want then I piss her off. How am I supposed to win? Oh I know, I’m not going to give a shit what she thinks or says anymore. I’m doing it my way. If she doesn’t like it then too damn bad!
Anonymous asked: are you going to the beatles: the lost concert" movie when it comes out next month?
I didn’t know the Beatles were coming out with a movie but I probably won’t. I’m not a big fan of the Beatles
Ears burst into flames
Knives stabbing my back
Head shifting frantically
Am I the topic of discussion
‘Cause I’m the outsider
I’m the one out of place
Language barrier
Different lifestyles
A new culture to experience
They’re open and free
I’m as tight as can be
Alcohol cracks the shell
I’m the one watching my back
I don’t want the “outsider attention”
Just want to semi-fit-in
Pitch black nights
Tears caress my cheek bones
Each dip and drop
Then mold to the ground below
Rest your weary eyes
The struggle and pain are over
I know your peace
Lies within the heavens above
it started out so nice
as you flirted with me
making me feel like I was wanted
in that very moment that became so dear
of course that was before we became a couple
and you ended up talking the other way
making it short lived but full of feeling
so now I’m broken just by the way you acted
The worn-in lines I tace in my palm
Show that I wasn’t ready to let go
All I could do was hold on for dear life
Hoping it wouldn’t crash to an end
Your hand slipped away from me
as I see her shadow reappear in your eyes
showing that you were never really mine
Now I’m empty hand and empty hearted
she never let you alone
but you had hidden her shadow from me so well
until that moment that you walked away
showing that you couldn’t escape it yet
Not knowing the extent
Blinded by the sudden change of heart
Etch my name in these ruins
And call this whole thing history
make it let go of my heart
so I may keep on going
without this need of your touch
or any type of understanding
Send me off like a dove to the blue sky
Free my constricted wings
‘Cause I see my destiny
Written in the clouds
Take the burden off me
**Collaboration by emotionsforthepicking (standard) and apieceofme72 (italics)
Anonymous asked: What is one pet peeve of yours?
Hmm that’s a good question. I’ve been sitting here for 5 minutes thinking of a pet peeve. I know I have them but I guess they ran away for the time being
Anonymous asked: your absolutely fab thing to do in your free time?
Rock climb! I helps me relieve stress (sometimes) and there’s so many friendly people to meet while climbing!!
Anonymous asked: Any new guy interests?
Not really…I did meet a guy this weekend that I’d like to get to know but there’s a distance issue (nothing new there)
Anonymous asked: If a friend needed cheering up, what would you do?
When it comes to cheering up someone, I usually go for the silly/funny route (though I’m not that funny). I like to use laughter to distract from disaster. If you some cheering up then you show reveal yourself! Hmm that sounded bad but I don’t mean it in a bad way. I should stop rambling now
A new weekend past
Yet the same was seen
But in a different manner
This time
A unique perspective
On walking called
Slacklining
Thin webbing
Steady feet
Practice
Feet draping over the edges
Center the mass
Set eyes ahead
Don’t look down
Left foot right foot
Unbalanced and stop
Collect thoughts
Focus again
Continue
Think past the fear
That the edge is near
Keep stepping to the end
